GUMS' JOKES AND FUNNIES

Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out. (565 JOKES)

DEPENDS ON HOW YA LOOK AT IT
by CHEROKEE

A couple was attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery and they
were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting
depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had a black penis, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting
the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour
explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in
a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some
serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the
couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no
African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal
miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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ONE SAD DRUNK
by KRASH

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir '

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies.

The cop asks 'Where was your car the last time you saw it '

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man' s private part hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself '

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing
a beat, blurts out..........

'Holy crap! My girlfriend's gone too!

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ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE----
by KNUCKLE STEVE

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year:

"In just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves" !

"Helllooooo!!" I told him, "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He hasn't called back. He is probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again!

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THE TRAIN
by TAMI

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that fucking train!'

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NURSING HOME SEX
by TAMI

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner,

Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his

Accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to

Chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull

In their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what

I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and

Proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit

And talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred

Decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.She walked around the Senior

Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident,

Who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied..... ..'Parkinson' s.'

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