Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
(721 JOKES)
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The Difference Between Officers and NCOs
by JEFF NEAL
A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears which were amputated. Since his hearing wasn't impaired he remained in the Marine Corps. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of major general. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects for his headquarters staff.
The first was an aviator captain, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the general asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
The general got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a logistics Lieutenant, and he was even better. The general then asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
He replied sheepishly, "Well, Sir, you have no ears."
The general, now really pissed, threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an infantryman and Staff NCO. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The general wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the sergeant said, "Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses."
The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the General asked.
"Well, Sir," the gunny replied, "It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears."
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THE GOLF GAME
by RANGER
A man is watching a game of golf on TV.
But he keeps switching Channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
He says to his wife, "I don't know whether to watch the movie or the golf"!
His wife says, "For Heaven's sake, watch the movie, you already know how to play golf”!
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MEXICAN WORDS OF THE DAY......
by SPITFIRE
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.
4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife, she rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?
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WOODEN LEG INSURANCE
by TAMI
A man and his wife, moved back home to Kentucky, from Indiana. The husband had a wooden leg, and to get insurance on it back in Indiana it cost them $2000 per year!
When they arrived in Kentucky, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Kentucky to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Indiana!
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
sprinkler system above it is $39. You just have to know how to describe it!'
(HILLBILLIES know how "to git'er done"; don't they?)
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HOW TO SELL ... TOOTHBRUSHES
by RANGER
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their
weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive
salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they
say is good, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your
mouth."
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