Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
(721 JOKES)
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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
by BABY "B"
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able
to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said,
'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
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THE MAN TEST
by TAMI
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog.... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call
a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you knowwhat a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
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THE TRUTH AT LAST
by SANDY
Do you know why it's so cold??
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Because almost every White person for 200+ years said.
" It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President."
Enjoy the weather.
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HER EARS ???????
by FOGFRANK
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me."
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MOM TELLS THE TRUTH
by FOXY
A little boy was in uniform waiting to play in his first baseball game. He sat with his single mom in the bleachers watching two other teams play the last inning of their game. Team mates and parents from both sides were shouting and urging the players to either get a hit or strike him out. Out of nowhere in particular, the little boy looked up into his mother's eyes and asked "Why is my hair dark and my skin tan while your skin is pale and your hair is blond?"
Knowing this day would have to come sooner or later, the mother tried to explain as best she could. In her pur se she fumbled for something and when she found it, this was how she answered.
She lit a Marlboro Red and took a deep drag. Glaring at the impudent little snot she said, "From what I can remember about that party, you need to be damn glad you don't bark!"
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