Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
(721 JOKES)
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BIKER NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 2
by FOXY
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the garages
Not a motorcycle was rumbling, except for Santa Claus's;
The leather was hung in the closet with care
In hopes that nice weather, soon would be there.
Our bikes were all nestled snug in their covers
With visions of blacktop and burning up rubber.
With momma in her bandana and I in my skull cap
We had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn, arose such a rumble
I sprang from the bed as I started to grumble,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But, a pack of motorcycles, with riders and gear,
With one old driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be Biker Nick,
He was dressed all in Leather, from his head to his foot
And his clothes were all tarnished with bugs and road soot,
A bundle of chrome he had flung on his back
Down the chimney he came, carrying a big red sack,
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
As he filled all the riding boots, then turned with a jerk,
And laying a finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose,
He sprang to his motorcycle, to his team gave a sign
As they all cracked their throttles and got into a line,
Now Honda, Now Harley, Now Triumph and Indian,
On Kawi, On Suzuki, On Yamaha and Victory,
But I heard him exclaim as he roared out of sight
"Keep the rubber side down and have a good ride.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
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THE CHRISTMAS TREE STORY
by KRASH
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" ,,,,,,,, And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree........
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THE NIGHT BEFO CRIZZMUS
by ROBERT THE RAT
Night Befo Crizzmus
Wus da night befo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' ....and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our check.
All of DA family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full, empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".
I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.
Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black u n' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.
Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.
But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.
He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!!
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THERE WAS JUSTICE TONIGHT
by NO NAME LISTED
Twas the night before Christmas and all through San Quentin, the crips were protesting and liberals were ventin'.
The cyanide hung by the chamber with care, in hopes that the grime reaper soon would be there.
The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed; except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead.
And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.
I set up my TIVO to record the news station and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion.
It seemed lady justice had gotten her way and that there would be one less savage today.
When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras had turned to see what was the matter.
When what to my civilized eyes did appear, but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.
The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence; clutching his books.
The tears then flew out from Sarandon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.
The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all towing the line of the urban decay.
On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters, On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters.
Then at 3:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle.
When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission and Tookie DID DIE !!
I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, Merry Christmas to all ... there was justice tonight!!
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SHITTY NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by STEVE
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
And All Through The House
Everybody Felt Shitty
Even The Mouse.
Dad's At the Whorehouse
And Mom's Smoking Grass
I'd Just Settled Down
For A Warm Piece Of Ass.
When Out On The Lawn
I Heard Such A Clatter
I Sprung For My Piece
To See What Was The Matter.
Then Out On The Lawn
I Saw A Big Red Dick. I Knew
In A Moment It Must
Be Saint Nick.
He Came Down The Chimney
Like A Bat Out Of Hell
I Knew In A Moment
The Fucker Had Fell.
He Filled All Our Stockings
With Pretzels And Beer
And A Big Rubber Dick
For My Brother The Queer.
He Shot Up The Chimney
With A Thunderous Fart
The Son Of A Bitch
Blew The Chimney Apart.
He Swore And He Cursed
As He Rode Out Of Sight
Piss On You All
And Have A Hell Of A Night!"
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