Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
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"X" RATED NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by TAMI
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
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SANTA'S GIFT
by TAMI
All I Want for Christmas...
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the
street when a little girl on her new shiny bike
stopped beside him. "Nice bike" the cop said.
"Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep, the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a
$5.00 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice
horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did, " chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next
year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse,
not on top."
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CHET THE PARROT
by SANDY
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a
unique gift for his wife. The manager tells him he has just what he's
looking for -- A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas Carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees
that
Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls
out a lighter. The pet store manager lights the lighter and holds it under
Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night".
The man becomes very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches
as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now
starts singing "Jingle Bells." The man says that Chet is perfect and he'll
buy him.The man rushes home to his wife, and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He shows his wife the parrot "Chet" and starts
to explain his special talents. Demonstrating to her, he holds a lighter
under Chet's left foot and the parrot sings "Silent Night." He then moves
the
lighter under Chet's right foot and Chet sings "Jingle Bells."
The wife is terribly impressed, and with a mischievous grin, asks her
husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs
instead. Curious also to the husband; he moves the lit lighter between
Chet's
legs, and the parrot begins to sing -------
(are you ready for this?)
"Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire!"
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SANTA'S NEW CONTRACT
by TAMI
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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A BIKERS NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by "GUMS"
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all round the pad,
there was nada happenin', and that's nowhere, Dad.
The stove was dressed out in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.
With our bellies all stuffed full of tacos and beer,
Me and the bride hit the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door pulling on my old jacket.
I saw this old geezer on a '57 Pan,
Wearin' boots and black leather, a real biker man.
His eyes how they twinkled under eyebrows so thick,
I knew right away that this dude was Saint Nick.
"'Scuse me, Brother," his voice how it rumbled down low,
"Have you got some spare wrenches? My scooter won't go."
"I was flyin' along when she started to get hot,
Then she sputtered and coughed, and died on the spot."
That bike was all covered with stuffed leather bags
holding brightly wrapped presents with ribbons and tags.
Saint Nick he was frantic, his face wore a frown.
"The children are waiting. I can't let them down."
I said, "Wheel it in, Man! We'll get that Pan tickin'
"We've got leftover tacos, if you don't mind chicken."
"If we can't get it running in an hour or so,
You can borrow MY bike -- just load it and go."
So we pushed it on in and unhitched the load,
I could fix what was busted and he'd be back on the road.
As I puzzled and muttered over that righteous ride,
He scuffed on the doormat and went on inside.
He was back in a flash, tacos piled on a plate
And a glass of skim milk that he sipped as he ate.
"It started to clatter," he said ‘round a bite,
"It started to miss, then just quit outright"
"It's just been rebuilt from the frame up this year,
But I guess it's a good thing that I broke down here.
From the looks of the sleds that're lined up out back,
You're a man with the skill to put me back on track."
"You're good to go now," I said, wiping my hands,
"It was a quick fix, you can get on with your plans.
"A plug wire got snagged and pulled off, don't you see,
So when you get on, be careful where you put your knee."
We put the bags on and he zipped up his jacket,
Then he kicked it to life with rumble - not racket.
He settled his cap and said, "Say, would you mind --
If I road-test this pig to make sure that she's fine?'
Flames shot from the pipes as he sped down the street,
Then back by he came and that bike sounded sweet.
He pulled up the bars on that Pan hung with sacks,
And that bike hit the roof like it was running on tracks.
I couldn't help staring as he shifted the tranny,
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my fanny.
When down through the chimney he fell with a crash,
And out of the woodstove he came dragging his stash.
With a twinkling eye, he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her cheek and then shook my hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.
From up on the roof came a great peal of thunder,
As that mighty V-twin tore the silence asunder.
As he roared into the night, he waved and he cried,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good ride."
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