Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
(721 JOKES)
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OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
by TAMI
Fred and Mary got married ; but can't afford a
honeymoon.
So they go back to Fred's parent's Home ; for
their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother,
gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he
asks his Mom .
"Is Fred and Mary up yet." She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you
think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what
I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I
think?"
His Mom replies,"Ok,do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the
Vaseline.
And I think ; I gave him my airplane glue."
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NOW THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM
by RANGER
There I was lying nude in bed, and I was
looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I
discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked
in the pockets to find my driver license photo and
it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.
But it's a wheelchair!!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible
that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.'
'It's the pure truth', whispers someone from behind me.
I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!!
I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh! No!..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican
boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo... I'm Bald!!!
The telephone rings.
It's my brother.
He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you
do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing
nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of garbage... Any job.'
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a
job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a
Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.
But he doesn't get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.
It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!
With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.
I see I live in a shantytown full of cardboard and tin houses!
There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a
Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald,
orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and
having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood .
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says
to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob,
have you decided who are you going to vote for in the
Primary? Hilary or Obama???
Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled,
one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker
who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives
in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh
dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!...
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XXX RATED ONE LINERS
by TAMI
Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A: Cause it's always good to floss after you eat!
Q: Why do hippo's have sex underwater?
A: How else are you going to keep a 400 lb pussy wet?
Q: How do you turn a city girl into a cotton picker?
A: Cut her tampon string.
Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
Q: Can you use indefinitely in a sentence?
A: When your balls are slapping up against her
ass, you're in...definitely!
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust
Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Glad he ate her!
Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and/or use a better lubricant.
Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can't eat it.
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: Why is pubic hair curly?
A: If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What's the definition of "Indecent"?
A: When it's in long, in hard, an in deep, it's in decent.
Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and
Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs,
all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and
a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Five fleas are sitting in a woman's pubic hairs. Two are
smoking pot.
Q: What are the other three doing?
A: Sniffing crack.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed ???
A: A cherry float.
Q: What should you do if a pretty girl sits down on your hand?
A: Try to get her off!
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.
Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything
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OOOOOPS
by SUNDANCE
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay .'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.........'
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WHAT'S "WILLIE'S NAME"?
by THE MAD METER MAID
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of
your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. " All I want
is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just
Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who
is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks
back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The
guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'" And gives
a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The
bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT
MADE FOR A WOMAN'!!!!!"
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