Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
(721 JOKES)
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GRANDMA'S ORANGES
by SANDY
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted
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AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS----
by TAMI
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water,
The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps for the mouse,
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy is probably in danger!
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The Amazing Italian
by TAMI
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, "Don't Miss the Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket and sat down in the circus tent. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian man.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't miss the Amazing Italian."
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
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THE CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
by DONNA D
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring,"he says, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
anyting you want. What chu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced,
which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try
somethin I have heard about... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually,
in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want... Chicken wit broccori?"
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THE TWO FLEAS
by SUNDANCE
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley." The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by.... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
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