GUMS' JOKES AND FUNNIES

Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out. (721 JOKES)

COWBOY'S FAVORITE FOOD
by WOODY OAKES

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas . Sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special...."LOBSTER TAIL & BEER"

"OH MY GOD," he says out loud,!!" ''MY THREE FAVORITE THINGS IN LIFE"!!!!!!

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DRUG NOW NAMED AFTER TIGER WOODS
by KRASH

Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him. However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him. They are making a new drug called Tiagra. It's good for 18 holes.

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TIGER WOODS CHRISTMAS POEM
by LYNN (BFN)

Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He'd been cheatin with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

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MOST POWERFUL LIQUID IN THE WORLD
by RANGER

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine,
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy
what he had.The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid
in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a
pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and
rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

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THE POOR YELLOW TOAD
by RAT

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off. because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy...

...just follow the "YELLOW DICK TOAD

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