Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
(721 JOKES)
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ALABAMA STORIES
by TAMI
The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus
14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Alabama women.
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A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied d.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
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A senior at Alabama was overheard saying .. "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Alabama because everything happens in Alabama 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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The young man from Alabama came running into the store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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NEWS FLASH! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Auburn University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
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An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-85. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
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A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire.
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did Understand it either."
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AN HONEST HUSBAND
by CUBE
Finally, Something In Common
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see
a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which
to begin his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
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LIFE IN THE YEAR 2006
by TAMI
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is, "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"! - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED".
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PICTORIALLY
SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE?
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FART DIXIE
by TAMI
This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a whiskey."
The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees.
The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"
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NEVER BET WHEN YOURE DRUNK
by SPITFIRE
A Cajun walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,"What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him
the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing,
all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, - There's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached
orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and
then do those other things...."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is. As time
goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They
hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then............silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?
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