Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
(721 JOKES)
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Missing Beer
by Buddha
My father was extremely nervous about his first funeral
service as a Navy chaplain, but the undertaker assured
him that he would prompt him. All went well until, at
the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct
the family to come up and view the body. "Will the family
now come forward and pass around the bier," said my
father.
He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words. Later,
as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery
workers talking. "I didn't get any beer," one said. "Did
you?"
"You heard the chaplain," the other replied. "It was just
for the family."
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THE ROBOT BARTENDER..........
by TERRY
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????
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THE BEST ENGINE
by RANGER
A notable gynaecologist once said,
"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."
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TWO COFFEE'S
by SUNDANCE
Two Coffees
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks, "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted..Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and Calls out:
"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"
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JEWISH BRAINS
by CINDY
The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world.
So they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that
each country would take five years to develop the best
fighting dog they could.
The dog that won the fight would earn its country the
right to rule the disputed areas.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and
Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and
then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian
wolves.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from
each litter, killed all the other pup pies and fed them
the best food . They used steroids and trainers in
their quest for the perfect killing machine.
After the five years were up, they had a dog that
needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers
could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight
arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal.
It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird
animal stood a chance against the growling
beast in
the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would
win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The
Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant
wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the
Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and
swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was
nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer
dog's tail.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads
in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top
scientists and breeders worked for five years with the
meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They
developed a killing machine."
"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top
plastic surgeons working for five years to make an
alligator look like a Dachshund."
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